The Definition of the Malfunctioning Body
Updated for 2023
Complain
/kəmˈplān/
verb
express dissatisfaction or annoyance about something; protest a lengthy series of appointments and tests that yield no beneficial results; vocalize the wasted time spent chasing down specialists who shrug their shoulders and declare there’s nothing to be done about new symptoms; utilize silent communication to claim that the most recent medical graduate has the equivalent education to a box of Cracker Jacks
state that one is suffering from (a pain or other symptom of illness); scream uselessly when touched, prodded, or otherwise have personal space invaded in the name of medical professionalism; needlessly recite meaningless numbers associated with frowning and crying faces on a wall poster the nurse has long since forgotten exists; thrash on the bed as doctors lean over and implore the patient to kindly respect the rest of the other patients
Difficult
/difəkəlt/
adjective
needing much effort or skill to accomplish, deal with, or understand; the comprehension of invisible illness
characterized by or causing hardships or problems; obtaining a diagnosis for a condition with no outward presentations or abnormal tests results
(of a person) not easy to please or satisfy; the average chronic pain patient
Doctor
/däktər/
noun
a qualified practitioner of medicine; a physician; an individual granted the ultimate power to order tests, prescribe (or withhold) medication, and determine the fate of a patient; a person capable of dashing the hopes of a chronic pain patient within seconds with two simple words: “Everything’s normal;” a position of authority over the mental and physical well-being of people experiencing symptoms outside of medical knowledge
a person who holds a doctorate; a person who paid to attend a minimum of eight years of college
verb
change the content or appearance of (a document or picture) in order to deceive; falsify; examine a test result and determine that, although not strictly within the reported normals, it’s considered acceptable
treat someone medically; utilize elevated language in an office setting under the power of a medical license; dash the hopes of a desperate individual seeking respite from the deterioration of their body
Drug
/drəɡ/
noun
a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body; the last respite from pain for thousands of individuals despite the vilification carried out by the federal government; a small white pill that ceases to produce the desired effects depending on the weather, angle of the moon, current elected officials, number of children in the proximity, and amount of water consumed; a mythological cure proposed by a medical professional to solve all the ills for an undiagnosed condition; a sugar pill
verb
administer a drug to (someone) in order to induce stupor or insensibility; briefly quiet the irritating screams of a chronic pain patient the anesthetist failed to medicate throughout a surgical procedure properly; attempt to bring down the elevated heart rate of a pain patient in the throes of an uncontrolled spasm; utilize as a last resort for the irritating patient that refuses to quietly accept the answer of “I don’t know”
Fatigue
/fəˈtēɡ/
noun
extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness; the inability to move from a horizontal position despite a quiet voice in the back of the head listing the day’s activities; a lack of rest in the face of sleeping non-stop for 72 hours, prompted by the body’s refusal to achieve REM or Deep Sleep; the complete shutdown of the brain when it’s needed most
weakness in materials, especially metal, caused by repeated variations of stress; a constant dragging of the limbs by invisible concrete weights; a reversion to the infantile state of the body, where even lifting a sheet of paper becomes impossible; a state prone to frequent bouts of sobbing, leading to greater exhaustion
verb
cause (someone) to feel tired or exhausted; constant suggestion by friends, family, and strangers to engage in exercise, outdoor activities, and social engagements; making repeated visits to doctors in hopes of hearing that there is a treatment, diagnosis, and/or answer to the endless list of symptoms
weaken (a material, especially metal) by repeated variations of stress; attempting to push through the earliest stages of fatigue; carrying on with normal activities despite warning signs from the body
Fibromyalgia
/fībrōmīˈalj(ē)ə/
noun
a chronic disorder characterized by widespread pain and other symptoms such as fatigue, muscle stiffness, and insomnia; hell on earth; a diagnosis used to explain every twinge, stab, shock, and ache for the rest of eternity; the genetic lottery; an excuse for medical professionals to shrug their shoulders and walk away
Fog
/fôɡ,fäɡ/
noun
a thick cloud of tiny water droplets suspended in the atmosphere at or near the earth’s surface which obscures or restricts visibility (to a greater extent than mist; strictly, reducing visibility to below 1km)
something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone’s thought processes; the mental manifestation of a person’s lost intellect; the gradual disintegration of vocabulary, memory, and sentence construction; uninitiated and extended daydreams; the frustrating invention of new words as the synapses stare at a screen and refuse to produce the word “red;” the growing dread that a person is devolving into a Jell-o mold on legs
verb
(with references to a glass surface) cover or become covered with steam
bewilder or puzzle (someone); attempting to juggle countless pain impulses, keep the heart and lungs operating, continue to remind the body to pee, and still remember how to spell “Mississippi” without singing the rhyme from elementary school; producing intermittent flashes of brilliant intelligence interspersed with winning remarks like “I like cats” in the middle of social gatherings; disintegrating brain cells of a once genius
Insanity
/inˈsanədē/
noun
the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness; chronic pain; how a doctor views constant complaints of escalating pain—especially with no visible source; the entries of a chronic pain patient’s medical record
extreme foolishness or irrationality; the belief that the next medical professional will have an answer; the game of lying awake at night with a new ache in the body: “Is it fibro, or is it something wrong?”
Irritation
/irəˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
the state of feeling annoyed, impatient, or slightly angry; the natural state of the invisible illness patient; the eventual state of every medical professional treating an invisible illness patient
inflammation or other discomfort in a body part caused by reaction to an irritant substance; the first word used to describe pain; the last word used by chronic pain patients once they’ve given up hope of discovering a reason for their pain
Medicate
/medəˌkāt/
verb
administer a drug to (someone); prescribe a medication in hopes the patient will leave the office and not schedule a follow-up appointment; choose a drug at random for an unknown diagnosis; swallow a handful of small white pills on a regular schedule to attempt to blunt the war within the body
treat (a condition) using a drug; follow the advice of the most recent drug rep to pass through the office
add a drug to; fill the medicine cabinet with as many bottles as possible; compare medication lists with fellow chronic pain patients; gotta catch ‘em all
Pain
/pān/
noun
physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury; an indescribable level of hell; the body’s way of announcing that something has upset the status quo; a malfunctioning nerve; the brain misinterpreting a signal from the body; a word used frequently in discussions with medical professionals that has no actual meaning; the feeling experienced when the current specialist shakes their head
careful effort; great care or trouble; the experience of attempting to find answers to what a patient is enduring
verb
cause mental or physical pain to; informing a patient that there is nothing more to offer; accepting a referral and then telling a patient the procedure or treatment was discussed—outside of their presence—and determined unnecessary and canceled; refusing to listen to the person experiencing the current laundry list of symptoms