Profiles of Wild Spoonies
Dangerous: Approach at Your Own Risk
Aura Misery
(Migraine major)
Habitat:
Back bedrooms, isolated bathrooms—anywhere capable of inducing cave-like darkness and muffled sound
Diet:
Varies depending on current list of trigger items
Location:
Found globally—highest concentration in cities and other sources of excessive noise and air pollution
Did You Know?
Miseries instinctively seek out cold patches and apply them haphazardly around their head and neck. They’re known to express opinions on the quality of the light, sound, and gravity in a room (with startling accuracy). The screeching pitch of their voices may startle listeners within a five-mile radius, particularly in the middle of the night when one makes the foolish assumption they are asleep (versus in the throes of a psychedelic hallucination crafted by their insidious brains). Miseries will bite if approached when in the security of their den.
Extremely Dangerous!
Growling Regurgitator
(Irritabilis intestinum)
Habitat:
Remains within sprinting distance of restroom facilities at all times (Capable of finding even the most remote bathroom through an innate sixth sense)
Diet:
Impossible to describe; Changes from moment to moment courtesy of their mercurial microbiome
Location:
Global distribution but difficult to reliably pin down due to associated negative reputation
Did You Know?
Regurgitators shun most public interactions; sightings in social situations are extremely rare. They’re prone to avoid consuming any foodstuffs or liquids when in the presence of other individuals. Remarkably, these periods of anorexia show no damage to their outward appearance. Regurgitators are capable of (brief) bursts of fantastic speed when returning to their native habitats of the bathroom. They will show no mercy to anyone or anything caught in their most direct path of travel.
Approach With Caution!
Red Butterfly
(Lupus immunis)
Habitat:
Most often sighted in medical facilities; not uncommon to find crowded in the waiting room of specialist offices
Diet:
Varies depending on latest recommendations from doctors, friends, and strangers on social media platforms
Location:
Uncertain—suspect global distribution, but population counts unreliable
Did You Know?
Butterflies have no remarkable identifying characteristics—save the red facial patches that give them their name. (And the redness is not present at all times, further confounding accurate identification) Activity levels fluctuate from season to season, week to week, day to day, and even hour to hour. They possess one of the strongest immune systems in the animal kingdom—capable of destroying even itself. Due to frequent misidentification, butterflies have developed a sharp defensive reaction. Strongly discourage the use of the words “fake,” “overreaction,” “pretend,” and “hysterical” in their presence.
Extremely Unpredictable!
Fugue Lurker
(Depressio major)
Habitat:
Found in blanket fortifications, dark bedrooms, uninhabited corners of rooms, and poetry slams
Diet:
Unbalanced diet leaning heavily toward salty snacks, chocolate, and pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream
Location:
Suspected global distribution; Population counts thwarted by species’s accomplished mimicry
Did You Know?
Lurkers are extremely difficult to recognize. They excel at camouflaging themselves among local populations, mimicking speech patterns and expressions with flawless ability. Only a few dedicated researchers have succeeded at capturing the true image of a lurker in its den. Approaching an isolated lurker comes at great risk: They are known to cry, shriek, throw objects, and—worst of all—stare in abject silence until an intruder backs away in fear. One may attempt to persuade them to calm with gifts of blankets, movies, or chocolate, but they run the risk of worsening the self-inflicted misery of the lurker.
Prone to Collapse!
Fog-Bound Slug
(Cruciatus myalgia)
Habitat:
Frequently confined to plush regions, such as the couch or bed; alternates between hoarding heating pads and ice packs
Diet:
Difficult to quantify—changes on an hourly basis
Location:
Global? Misclassification hampering accurate counts
Did You Know?
Slugs demonstrate one of the most sensitive reflexes in the animal kingdom. The thought of a feather brushing their skin is enough to produce a bruise and send them howling in pain. (Strongly recommend against attempting this experiment—slugs do not respond favorably to such games) While frequently hampered by the constrictions of their musculoskeletal systems, slugs still retain a sharp temper and the ability to bite. If confronted by an angry slug, your best course of action is to delay and distract; they are plagued by infrequent memory loss and may forget your presence, allowing you a hasty retreat.
Will Bite!
Spiraled Fidget
(Anxietas major)
Habitat:
Omnipresent; Capable of existing and tolerating any clime
Diet:
Capable of consuming any food but frequently found delaying meals
Location:
Global—may get overlooked due to distraction behaviors
Did You Know?
Fidgets utilize more brain power than any other creature in the known evolutionary catalog. Even when resting, their synapses fire with careful analysis of how to thwart impending doom. Their cortisol levels are impossible to measure; a sympathetic nervous system that remains on “high alert” at every hour of the day. You may overlook a fidget, however, due to their charm and detailed distracting habits. When confronted by another (a “threat”), they will put on an elaborate display of “normality” to throw the “danger” off the scent. Do not attempt to engage a fidget in their analysis of a problem. They carry an incurable virus called Worryitis. There is no cure.
Infectious!