Preparing For Suicide Prevention Month

Purple and Turquoise Optional (Black and Grey Preferred)

It’s been a lovely summer, hasn’t it? Filled to the brim with obligatory public engagements, family outings, and social media feeds of friends and acquaintances sporting as little clothing as possible.

Everything one needs to feel inadequate, worthless, and miserable—complete with endless sunshine.

But now Labor Day has put an end to those torturous beach days. It’s back to the daily grind of monotonous work and the promise of growing darkness, rainy skies, and the creeping cold. A wretched soul can finally embrace the despair they’ve grown accustomed to.

Save for one tiny obstacle.

That’s right: It’s time for Suicide Prevention Month, Kids!

Without blinking an eye from their bubbly cheer over “brat summer,” friends and family will start in on their avowed commitment to “always be there for you.” They’ll start plastering purple and teal ribbons on their avatars and pressuring everyone around them to sign up for marathons and walk-a-thons and breathe-a-thons to demonstrate their devotion to a mental illness they understand absolutely nothing about.

And because they recognize one or two glimmers of symptoms in YOU, they’ll feel a burning desire to focus their frenzied madness your direction.

You could succumb and allow them to dragoon you into the insanity as you did all summer.

Or you could refuse to participate in the absolute farce of their behavior and finally enjoy a group activity for once. (The choice is yours)

If the latter, prepare for the onslaught with the following supplies:

• Wardrobe in shades of black (grey for color): These ravening lemmings have already decided you’re a lost cause—dwelling in the very depths of your soul. You might as well lean into the delusion. Dress for a daily funeral (someone died somewhere). Drape yourself in veils and capes. Sport the darkest sunglasses you can find (sunlight is terrible for the retinas, anyway). You spent overlong outdoors this summer; it’s time to start cultivating that sickly winter pallor.

• Boots: Nothing says, “I’ve given up on the world,” like dragging your feet. And heavy, clunky boots will help you with that slumping gait. Find the biggest pair you can, replete with buckles and chains. Really amp up the drama. (You can baby your toes in slippers when you escape these lunatics)

• Earbuds: Are you nodding in time to their spouted sermons on how sacred life is? Or are you bopping along to a song from the phone tucked in your pocket? Who’s to say? Those tiny pieces of plastic are a godsend when your fair-weather friend feels the need to talk your ear off.

  • Optional: Headphones: If you want to really convince the crowd of “well” wishers you’re stepping aside from the world, block it out. Pop on a monstrous set of headphones and slump your head. Who cares if you never turn them on? No one needs to know except you.

• Reading material sans cover: Is that a book on summoning a demon from the nether regions? A tome of repentance? Self-help on improving your worthless mood? Or the latest smut fest? If you angle it away from prying eyes, it could be anything. Keep the pests wondering what’s at work in your head—and away from you with a few well-placed withering glances over the top of the pages.

• Tissues: The occasional sniffle into a tissue is sure to reassure a ribbon-sporting fiend they’ve finally reached you. Maybe it’s nothing more than allergies irritating your mucus membranes. Or you could be stifling hysterical laughter. One simple accessory goes a long way when everyone tries to trot out statistics.

  • Optional: Handkerchief: If drama is more your style, you can’t beat the pocket handkerchief. Bonus points if you find one with purple and teal patterns.

• Journal and pen: Can you even call yourself depressed if you don’t keep a journal or diary? You’ll want to have pen and paper handy to keep tabs on the number of times people tell you, “I’ll always answer the phone if you call.” As well as how often their faces cave in when you start to mention anything even remotely dark or severe. Shoving the book out of sight when someone comes near you adds verisimilitude.

• Sketchbook and pencil: No one says you need to be an award-winning artist. Cross-hatching an entire page is sufficient to convince any lookers-on that you’re deep in the throes of misery. They don’t need to know you’re keeping track of fake sympathetic expressions. Just make sure you throw in the occasional skull, raven, or sad face to keep things interesting.

• Water bottle: Hydration might be important, but smuggling around a “wee nip” to survive interactions with the “You are so important” crowd is more necessary.

• Paper bag: Crumpling up your lunch bag makes it look even sadder when you drag it out of your backpack to filch chips out of. And the more you reuse the same bag, the more pathetic it (and you) appear to the concerned eyes surrounding you. (Plus, recycling!)

  • Optional: Lunchbox: You can always go for the gusto and trot out a nostalgic lunchbox, saved from your childhood. It either says that was the last moment you truly enjoyed life…or it’s an era of trauma you’re still processing. Either way, you win!

• Backpack: What are you, a weight-lifter? You need somewhere to keep all of these things! Who cares if the world assumes you’re hauling around all of your personal belongings because you have no other source of happiness? Throw in an extra hoodie, and your bag can double as a pillow in case someone manages to corner you for a lengthy “chat” about your mental health.

Of course, you can always go with the former and resign yourself to walking miles and kilometers in the wee hours of the morning.

After all, these people claim to mean well.

They don’t understand a single thing coming out of their mouths and are simply jumping on a trendy bandwagon so they’ll look cool and gain engagement on social media.

But it’s not like you’ll actually want to rely on them when you hit those depressive lows in your life.

Right?