Panacea® (Ultradolor)
Approved for No One
Are we at the end of May already?
I’m sad to see it go. (No, not really) But only because this means the end of my tribute to my fellow Fibromyalgia Warriors.
Next month, I return you to your regularly scheduled “generic” invisible illness program. (Ha! Because THAT doesn’t sound like every jaded medical professional in the world)
I think I saved the best shell for last, personally.
For everyone out there who’s been offered a “wonder drug” or two - this one’s for you.
Panacea® (ultradolor)
For oral administration
For injection, intravenous or intramuscular
For nasal inhalation
For skin application
For osmosis
For any method of administration you can think of or believe in (or that the pharmaceutical industry can get away with marketing to desperate individuals looking for an end to their symptoms of pain, brain fog, and fatigue)
Indications and Usage
Panacea® is indicated for the treatment of patients with symptoms of pain - confined to one trigger point or diffuse throughout multiple spots throughout the body - lasting more than one day. (Timing of pain at the discretion of prescribing physician, based on skepticism of patient’s mental status)
Horrific pain - outside of average bumps and bruises - that distracts a person from everyday activities. Debilitating, twisting, grinding, burning, chilling, piercing, numbing aches incapacitating the brain for hours, days, weeks, months, and years. (Description of pain is at the discretion of prescribing physician. Please refer to the standard Pain Scale and discard all reported scores beyond 10)
Pain that interferes with basic human existence - without the common decency of broken bones, contusions, open wounds, or altered blood chemistries. (Please note that demonstration of pain is required before prescribing. Excessive scrutiny of radiographs, CT scans, MRI scans, and lab work by a minimum of ten specialists is recommended to ensure patient’s claims of pain are accurate)
The agony defies an individual’s ability to describe. (However, it is strongly recommended that all physicians require a complete description of their patient’s symptoms before authorizing a prescription. Typed, single-spaced notes should fill three pages to verify authenticity)
Dosage and Administration
Tablets
3mg by mouth (PO) three times a day for three weeks over three months
Injectable
6mg intramuscularly (IM) three times a day - not to exceed 1mg in twenty-four hours
9mg intravenously (IV) once a day during a full moon
Reconstitute in a volume appropriate for the intended route of administration utilizing the tears of your patient. (This may require multiple visits and denial of treatment to obtain sufficient volume)
For IM administration, limit the volume at a single injection site to 0.25mL unless you feel the patient is particularly objectionable. If greater than 0.25mL is required, use multiple injection sites, applying as much force as possible with the injection to induce bruising. Patients appreciate the effects of Panacea® best when they have physical proof they’ve received the injection.
For IV administration, administer slowly over 10 minutes unless you’re in a hurry. Otherwise, infuse the solution as rapidly as possible, ignoring all protests from the patient. Panacea® works best when patients experience the full force of the potential adverse reactions (see below).
Dosage Forms and Strengths
7mg tablets
1,000 International Units as a lyophilized powder in single-use vials
A dream
Contraindications
Severe allergic reactions to Panacea® are possible. There’s no way to predict reactions or what component of Panacea® may be responsible, so it’s best to administer the treatment and wait for your patient to break out in a rash, struggle to breathe, or develop horrific gastrointestinal upset. You can then notate their body’s objection.
If your patient has experienced significant reactions to Panacea® before, consider a second round of treatment. It’s possible they were mistaken when they reported symptoms. After all, they likely have a history of moving from doctor to doctor, searching for answers. This proves their unreliability. It’s, therefore, best to test and confirm your findings with a second round.
Patients arriving at your practice specifically requesting Panacea® should be viewed with skepticism. Patient research into medical treatment is always suspicious. Proceed with any prescriptions at your risk.
Warnings and Precautions
Anaphylaxis and other severe allergic reactions
Failure to relieve pain in most - if not all - patients can occur. Evaluate patients with continuing symptoms. Discontinue Panacea® in patients who realize the treatment is a complete sham. In the interest of avoiding aggravation, discontinue all doctor-patient relationships.
Gastrointestinal upset
Medical intolerance, in some cases irreversible. Monitor patients for suspicion you have prescribed a placebo.
Adverse Reactions
The most common adverse reactions to Panacea® are allergic reactions (including anaphylaxis), hyperglycemia, hypoglycemia, acute vomiting, peptic ulcers, pancreatitis, inappetence, central nervous system dysfunction, dizziness, insomnia, numbness, tingling, hysteria, coagulopathy, unexplained bruising, heart attack, respiratory distress, cancer, and death.
As patients recognize a lack of resolution to their symptoms, they will grow tired of the rhetoric from television marketing campaigns, pharmaceutical pamphlets, and physician lectures. Pain-driven agitation will lead to more frequent office phone calls and requests for follow-up appointments.
Stocking supplies of Panacea Ultra® (novaultradolor) is recommended. This second-generation treatment offers all of the benefits of Panacea® with twice as many complications. (Severe adverse reactions are still pending FDA review)