Miracles For Breakfast (Part 2)

An Abecedarian of "Cures" for Chronic Pain

Forget that nonsense you’ve heard about “seeking medical assistance” or “consulting your doctor.” Here at Miracles For Breakfast, we have the only solutions for chronic pain you’ll ever need!* Each one guaranteed by our staff of healthy, pain-free experts with no medical license or pharmacological knowledge whatsoever!

And, yes, you CAN combine our menu choices! Everything works together beautifully and is designed to integrate seamlessly!

*These statements have not been verified by the FDA or any government regulation backed by scientific research, life experience, or common sense.

**Individual results may vary. Attempting more than one “treatment” at a time likely to result in worsening of depression, irritation, and pain.

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NSAIDs…$15

Who needs fancy medications when you have access to the simplest and most basic pharmaceutical on the planet? (And completely non-habit-forming, provided you don’t take it every single day multiple times, in the manner of a person in horrific pain) We have every option you could want, in any form you might desire. Liquid gels? Tablets? Minis? Powders? Congealed crystals from the bottom of a container stuffed and forgotten in the bottom of a car glove box? (It’s not like OTC drugs expire) We’ll set you up with a regular supply—no prescription required.

Omega-3…$25

What causes pain? Inflammation. (Nothing else, it’s only inflammation—and bad choices) What combats inflammation? Omega-3. Those fatty acids are the miracle solution to your body’s determination to target and destroy itself. And while you could, conceivably, alter your diet and toss a fish onto your plate at each meal, there’s that problem of mercury poisoning. We solve that risk by dispensing the same disgusting breath, packaged in a convenient capsule the size of your palm. And you only have to take twelve of them three times a day to see the benefits! (So much better than contemplating tuna for breakfast)

Psychological Counseling…$200/session

Can we get real for a moment? Everyone knows these endless days (is it weeks? Months?) of debilitating pain you experience are nothing more than a cry for attention. So let us pair you with a sympathetic listener who can help you unravel your inner hatred for your parents. Those repressed emotions over the dollhouse you never received on your eighth birthday are no reason for you to resort to walking with a cane. Our counselors will help you unravel why you constantly seek to discuss the many problems with your body. In no time, you’ll experience a breakthrough. And instead of crying over aching and tensing, you’ll be crying over traumatic memories.

Quit Drinking Alcohol…$14,000

Pain is nothing more than a vice. And if you’d give up your unhealthy life choices, you’d see your daily discomfort melt away. Is it fun to partake in a cocktail or glass of wine with your friends on special occasions? Naturally. But it’s destroying the very fibers of your body. Do you see celebrities imbibing on the weekends? Of course not (they’ve moved on to stronger substances you can’t possibly afford that will invariably land them in rehab). We’ll get you cleaned up and sober in no time. And while you might protest, you’ll thank us on the other side when you step out, pain-free.

Reduce Stress…$4,400

It’s such a simple concept: Eliminate stress and eliminate pain. (The two go hand-in-hand, in case you didn’t know) All those extraneous worries you lug around press down on your shoulders, worm into your joints, and disrupt your digestion. If you simply removed them, you wouldn’t have a problem. We’ll sit you down and point out why everything is actually perfect in the world. And if you attempt to argue otherwise, we’ll smack your hand until you agree. No fretting allowed—not if you want to feel better!

Sunshine…Free up to $500

There’s no ill—or ache or complaint—a little UV light can’t improve. After all, have you ever seen a frowning sun? No, you haven’t. (The evil sun in that Super Mario game doesn’t count) The sun makes flowers bloom! It heralds the beginning of spring! Anything that creates that level of joy will surely shake the worst discomfort from your bones. We dare you to climb out of the black hole of your comfortable bedroom and step into the great outdoors and not feel better. That intense burning sensation on your skin is proof it’s working!

Turmeric…$10

Want to tackle your pain at the source? Nothing works better than introducing a little heat to the situation. Spice is—well, the spice of life. So let’s get that turmeric in your diet! It’ll tackle that pesky inflammation, improve your love life, defeat unwanted antioxidants, burn off extra fat, prevent cancer, slow the aging process, protect your heart, regenerate your eyesight, and scrub cholesterol from your blood. You know what they say: All that glitters must be gold!

Use Imagery…Free up to $10/session

The mind is a powerful tool. And if you can use your brain to cause those flares of throbbing, stabbing pains every time your move, you can bend your thoughts to more productive uses. Such as willing away those pesky aches! We’ll show you how to incision simple images guaranteed to trick your body into thinking it’s pain-free. And in no time, you’ll wonder how you ever felt those cramps in the first place! You, worry about dangerous narcotic addictions? Never! All you have to do is picture poking an anesthetic needle into your leg to get your fix. (And the insurance coverage is much more reasonable)

VR…$150

Distraction is the name of the game. You can’t feel electric shocks shooting through your feet if you don’t have feet, can you? With our patented VR programs, we’ll have you leaving the doldrums of the everyday world in no time. As you soar through the sky, explore the ocean’s depths, or climb mountain heights (that last one is only recommended for experts), thoughts of your whining and complaining will disappear. All you’ll have time for is focusing on how much fun you’re having! And possibly a new-found appreciation for nausea medication.

Weight Loss…$1,000

Every extra ounce on your joints contributes to their struggle. You know it, and every healthy stranger around you knows it. So do yourself a favor and speak with our fitness counselors about eliminating those unwanted pounds. You’ll look better than ever. And appearance goes a long way to improving perception! In a few short months, you’ll look in the mirror and wonder why you ever complained about the stabbing pains in your knees. We strongly recommend you select a trainer at least one hundred pounds lighter than you with a background in bodybuilding or dance. And, no, we do not cover any workout-related injuries.

Xylitol…$15

Isn’t wonderful there are so many anti-inflammatory products on the market these days? And xylitol even caters to your sweet tooth! That’s right, you can chew your way to pain-free days with our patent-pending sugar-free gum! You won’t even need to worry about your dental health since this clever little sugar alcohol prevents bacterial growth. For those reluctant to engage in physical activity to improve your pain state, this is the option for you! Even sitting on your worthless butt all day, you can pop a piece in and let the magical “sugar” crystals go to work throughout your body. It doesn’t get easier than that!

Yoga…Free up to $20/session

What helps cramping, shooting, aching muscles better than twisting yourself into a human pretzel? Nothing! Yoga is the best exercise for the coordination-deficient individual looking to challenge the bounds of their body’s tolerance. In as short as thirty minutes, you can find—and tighten—muscles you weren’t even aware existed! All with the guidance of an instructor who lacks any discernable skeletal restrictions. For best results, we suggest you find a class with students at least three levels more advanced than yourself—preferably in a studio where the heat is cranked above the level of normal human tolerance.

Zone Out…Free

The longer you focus on a point (or multiple points) of pain, the more attention your brain and nerves deliver to that area. (It’s common sense, really) We do nothing more than teach you to disengage your thoughts completely. Most chronic pain patients have an innate ability of brain dysfunction already; we simply amplify that gift to extreme levels. Disconnecting from conscious engagement with the world allows you to forget you experience pain. You may even enjoy the added bonus of discovering you no longer want to be part of your current life. (We are not responsible for potential divorces, job losses, or friendship arguments resulting from this exercise)