Miracles For Breakfast (Part 1)
An Abecedarian of "Cures" for Chronic Pain
Forget that nonsense you’ve heard about “seeking medical assistance” or “consulting your doctor.” Here at Miracles For Breakfast, we have the only solutions for chronic pain you’ll ever need!* Each one guaranteed by our staff of healthy, pain-free experts with no medical license or pharmacological knowledge whatsoever!
And, yes, you CAN combine our menu choices! Everything works together beautifully and is designed to integrate seamlessly!**
*These statements have not been verified by the FDA or any government regulation backed by scientific research, life experience, or common sense.
**Individual results may vary. Attempting more than one “treatment” at a time likely to result in worsening of depression, irritation, and pain.
Acupuncture…$250/consult & $100/session
What could be better for the constant prickling, piercing, shocking sensation of paraesthesia than volunteering to have genuine needles thrust into your skin? That’s right! It’s a battle royale with your nervous system! You’ll get the full benefits of your brain overloading itself as your synapses go into overdrive announcing the imminent threat of assault by hundreds of blades. All while lying perfectly still on a table for a minimum of an hour, providing your joints with the excuse they needed to lock up. How can you resist?
Breathing…Free up to $75/guided session
This isn’t your everyday breathing (although you should continue to do that. It won’t help your pain, but it has benefits for your existence). No, we’re talking rhythmic breathing associated with guided meditation. Slow, asynchronous inhalations and exhalations paired with random counts designed to distract you from the cramped positions your body is forced to take. All coupled with the frustration of sticking to a rubberized mat that smells faintly of sweat and patchouli oil. Best results obtained when you sign on with a class taught by a twenty-something who has spent at least five months touring a natural wonder.
Coconut Oil…$5/jar
The limits of this versatile medium-chain triglyceride know no bounds! Sure, it’s saturated fat—and almost 100% fat, at that!—but it does so much good for the body, no one cares. It burns fat from your body, wins you influence, makes skin and hair look brand new, replaces broken bones, eliminates bacteria, exorcises poltergeists, and erases unwanted antioxidants. Slurping up a spoonful of this white glop every day will calm down all that extra inflammation in your joints. And who doesn’t like the taste of coconut? It’ll make every day a tropical getaway!
Diet…$1,200/6 months
If it’s new, trending, and guaranteed to make you hate yourself, we’ve got the plan! Are you convinced carbs are the source of your pain? We’ll help you eliminate every source of joy from your life! Did you hear a rumor protein produces inflammation? Not to worry—we can cobble together a diet of nothing but vegetables, minerals, and vitamins to get you through! Considering giving nothing but meat a try to see if that will do the trick? Just say the word, and we’ll put you in touch with our supplier in Texas! After all, they wouldn’t publish cookbooks and start social media frenzies about these diets if they weren’t the cure to everything bad in your life, would they?
Exercise…Free up to $40/month
Nothing makes a tortured body feel better like more torture! Get those aching joints moving in ways they never imagined. Stretch and pull muscles into positions they aren’t designed to take. (If you aren’t screaming, you aren’t doing it right) “No pain, no gain,” remember? All that horrendous stiffening, cramping, and burning means the activity is working! For extra motivation, find the most attractive and athletic gym-goers possible and work out beside them. Because nothing hurts worse than watching someone twice your age bench press three times your weight!
Find a Support Group…$45/hour
Your friends and family are over listening to your daily gripes and moans. But we have an entire catalog of people—with your exact symptoms and struggles—ready and waiting to talk over you and argue the merits of various medical therapies and treatments! You can choose to meet in person or over the anonymity of social media to discuss everything from the frequency of your flares to your latest failure at the specialist. And everyone will make the appropriate sympathetic comments your immediate support network has grown tired of supplying—without meaning a single word! Just remember: The expectation is there for you to respond in kind.
Get Adequate Sleep…$10/night
Eight hours of sleep—it’s such a novel concept! And so simple to accomplish. We’ll lay you down on one of our patent-pending pieces of furniture (we’re calling them “beds”), tuck you in, turn out the light, and leave you in peace for the night. Voila! You’ll wake in the morning, refreshed, ready to tackle a new day, and, of course, pain-free! It’s as simple as closing your eyes and turning off your brain. Even children and insects manage it.
Hobbies…$200
All the time you spend focusing on your pain could be better directed elsewhere. And we have plenty of options to choose from! Let’s get that energy you’re wasting accomplishing monotonous tasks like breathing, walking, and eating channeled to something more productive. Like crochet! Or how about baking bread? We can even get you started in the wonderful world of sewing costumes or clothing! Whatever it takes to get your body moving in even more twisted positions than a standard day. (It’s not like fretting over something else causes negative impacts on the body)
Ice…Free up to $7
When something hurts, what’s the first thing you do? Apply a cooling pack of ice, naturally. Even our most primitive ancestors knew that much. We take it further than a crude plastic bag of ice cubes, though (what kind of shady operation would be if we didn’t?). No, we offer all the latest in cooling technology. In seconds, we’ll have the offending limb or region of your torso so numb, you’ll swear it’s no longer attached. Give your nerves a break for an hour or two. Your brain will thank you. (And you look fabulous in frostbite!)
Juicing Your Food…$250
Where are all the best nutrients found? In the entire fruit or vegetable, of course. And how do you extract every ounce of mineral and vitamin possible to get at those antioxidants and superfoods? You pulverize the living daylights out of it in a high-speed blender. Why exercise your jaw or maintain tooth health when you can run every part of your diet through a juicer and suck your nutrition through a straw? And we go a step further! We’ll even throw in recipes guaranteed to stave off pain, leprosy, divorce threats, weight gain, and alien abduction!
Kale…$3
Maybe this poor leafy green gets in trouble now and then (we maintain it’s all a frame job), but you can’t deny its powers. Raw, grilled, fried, sauteed, minced, shredded—no matter how you choose to eat this vegetable, it promises to deliver health and wellness straight to your body. (And, unlike coconut oil, it isn’t a fat!) Simply replace the bulk of your diet with this magical leaf, and you’ll repair any and all damage in your body. It even works in desserts and smoothies! (Really, how many other vegetables can say that? Well…how many that can mysteriously cure ills?)
Laughing…$25/session
Honestly, the only thing causing your endless days of pain and discomfort is the negative attitude you take toward your diagnosis. Attend one or more (we recommend more, and we have a convenient weekly package) of our humor sessions, and we’ll get those aches giggled away in no time. A smile is a powerful force, if you’re willing to try it. After all, you can’t grin and frown at the same time; the muscles don’t work that way. And people are much more likely to respond in your favor if you’re positive. No one likes a Gloomy Gus. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel if you start looking at your debilitating condition in a more humorous manner.
Massage…$100/session
Anything touching you causes worsening pain—blah, blah, blah. Allodynia is such a lame excuse to avoid human contact. What you really need is a lengthy session with one of our massage therapists. Because there’s nothing better than having a complete stranger dig their fingers, wrists, and elbows into your pressure-sensitive body. Every tiny touch engendering new warning signals from your nervous system, to the lilting tunes of New Age meditation music. And then you get to go home and sluice off the clinging remnants of our patent-pending, non-hypoallergenic oils from your skin before the worst of the rash sets in. We employ only the best non-certified therapists who passed our strict screening process of, “Do you need a job?”