Evicting Your Pain
It's a Nice Thought, At Least
And another beautiful National Fibromyalgia Awareness Month has come to a close. (Well, the official Month, at any rate. Fibro Warriors know the discussions and awareness carry on throughout the year)
As always, it is my pleasure to take these weeks to call attention to this nightmare. May science take note and find us the answers we seek.
Eviction Notice
To: All malfunctioning nerves, blood cells, brain synapses—whatever entities are responsible for the eminent destruction and breakdown of my body and sanity. (The word “sanity” being used here only to describe the resulting effects of exhaustion on my mental capacity and not any relation to the questionable mental state I may have possessed prior to or following diagnosis)
Regarding the Property Located: From the top of my head—where you take perverse delight in making my hair (my hair! The one part of my body that is supposed to lack nerve receptors) ache, rendering me incapable of even combing it into some semblance of neatness and respectability. Down through my torso, where you have taken up residence in vital organs (and a few non-vital organs that didn’t complete the journey), pressing random irritation buttons in a sickening game of, “Can we cause enough pain to warrant a trip to the ER?” All the way through my legs, where you establish a proprietary interest in twisting my muscles in a sick parody of taffy, locking my lower limbs into a premature rigor mortis (minus the soothing comfort of apathetic death).
YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED THAT, under the Lease Agreement (for the Property stated above) entered into on 14, January, 1979. With regard to your Lease Agreement and the laws of the State of Rational Human Tolerance, which any sensible human being would expect to comprehend and comply with. (And I have read to you any number of times amid your gross violations).
You are hereby required to:
Violation of the Lease Agreement
Pay the Landlord excess fees equating to one hundred and forty thousand Dollars ($140,000) calculated as follows:
Ten thousand dollars ($10,000) in lost wages due to your inappropriate clouding of the brain, rendering me a gibbering idiot in front of colleagues, managers, and clients. (Be happy I chose not to add “pain and suffering” for turning me into a complete and utter fool in the eyes of those same people)
Fifty thousand dollars ($50,000) in home destruction caused by excessive exhaustion and thus an inability to maintain so much as a simple cleaning routine—without any provocation on my part. (Note: “Existence” is not considered a reasonable explanation for forcing an individual to lie in bed for a week)
Sixty thousand dollars ($60,000) in wasted medical bills, spent in desperate attempts to chase down the causes of your whimsical flares—ultimately resulting in no coherent diagnoses or concrete answers. Your blatant need for attention could have been spent on more productive activities.
Twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) for the mandatory reconstruction of destroyed property, resulting from inadequate sleep. Your nightly escapades have resulted in permanent under-eye shadows and constant comments of, “You look like you haven’t slept in days!” from random strangers. (I may not be attractive, but blatant statements of, “You’re ugly” would be appreciated more)
Surrender possession of the Property due to gross negligence within three (3) days of this notice. Under the direct control of your influence, the brain has erroneously carried out DEFCON-1 responses to innocuous sensations. This has led to my inability to experience even basic affection from friends and loved ones, savor the touch of so-called comfortable fabrics, and enjoy the most basic of outdoor weather conditions. This is a direct violation of common decency and will no longer stand.
Remedy the non-compliance with the Lease Agreement and notify the Landlord of the Remedy within three (3) days of this notice. The non-compliant act being failing to behave in a manner befitting a functional human being. Do you see any other person hobbling through their day as if they’d endured a beating after being run over by a freight train? Of course not—it’s an absurd thought. Therefore, there is no justification for you to clamp down on every one of my bones and muscles in such clutching grasps, transforming me into a pathetic crone years ahead of my time. There are appropriate times and places to enact a pain response, and you need to learn them or take your overblown drama performance elsewhere. If the Remedy is not completed within three (3) days of this notice, you shall surrender possession of the Property.
End of Tenancy
I am the Landlord, and this is my official notice that the Lease entered into on 14, January, 1979 will be terminated on the most reasonable date the two of us can agree on; not to exceed one more week of inexplicable torture out of spite for this notice. (Get out, get out, get out!)
THIS NOTICE IS IN COMPLIANCE WITH common health and rational human decency AND IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LEASE AGREEMENT. IF YOU FAIL TO COMPLY WITH THIS NOTICE, LEGAL PROCEEDINGS WILL BE INSTITUTED TO RECOVER POSSESSION OF THE PROPERTY AND FEES. Or, at the very least, I will continue to rebel against every attempt you make to transform me into a quivering, crying, weak, pathetic example of a diseased person. On the days when you run out of steam, and I’m once again capable of standing upright, at any rate.